You want something different. When he tried and couldn't, my resentment poisoned what little love I had left for him and I drove him away. It's a question I'm often asked, and the answer really depends on two factors: How good the rebound relationship is; and how attached the person is to their ex. And I just wonder if I’m just asking for too much and am hard to deal with. Preferably things that are active, but passive things that will lead to discussions are fine too. One of the best ways to help yourself through these times is to make a conscious effort to focus on the positive. This took a toll on my girlfriend, I know it, but being the strong person she is, she went through it with me because she wanted me and to be with me and she wanted me to get better, but only on the condition that I wanted to get better for me. WOW /u/labness1! We were constantly fighting. Another way to understand this is that one partner values the relationship more than the other does. A place for women redditors aged 30 and over to discuss questions in a loosely moderated setting. It wasn't a relationship rough patch per se, but my wife had some serious health problems right around the time we started dating. In “The Rough Patch,” de Marneffe gives advice for tackling a variety of major relationship demands, including one of the biggest issues for many couples: money. Congratulations to both of you for how much love you are able to share. A healthy relationship or marriage can be hard work and even the strongest and most solid couples can experience tough times now and then. 11 Rules From Couples Who Survived Rough Patches in Their Relationship and Now Live a Happy Life. I help him with the things that he’s passionate about, like his house projects, and work to find opportunities for him to do the things that he likes, like woodworking and pottery classes. I'm sure as you know, the problem isnt about "he doesnt put effort into planning dates"; youre feeling unloved and you've cherry-picked an example. Wish I could help, but my own tears and sadness (and therefore lagging behind at work) are preventing me from thinking straight. Here are some things only a truly loyal partner will do during a rough patch in your relationship, according to experts. It’s like research: some experiments work out and some don’t, but you're still gathering data the whole time. I think he loves my mind and my professional and educational goals. I think he is very tender and that I do critique him more than is necessary or helpful. If/when the hard work and penny pinching eases up you can have fun together again. As I am having time to reflect and read these generous responses, I am realizing that it is my unhappiness with myself that is causing a lot of this. Be thankful verbally, and often. My wife couldn't handle it and decided to leave. We struggled with my work stress bleeding into our home life. Stop saying I need this or that or how nice if we had this or sigh about not having whatever. It's amazing how much of our psyche can be poisoned by so little. Just whenever I am about to say something negative just stop. I can and will work on not criticizing him so much. I'm kinda in a different place now with my husband. Is this accurate? Shutterstock There's stress going on outside of the relationship. We just keep getting into stupid arguments and it’s wearing at us. Sometimes it can feel like you’ve been going around in circles about the same subject over and over and perhaps even seem like it might be easier to just throw in the towel rather than stick it out. ... we carefully read through and analyzed some psychological studies and gathered a list of 11 rules of long-lasting love. Lots to think about. I also think we have these big shared goals like eating right or working out and I imagined that we would do them together since we plan them together and I get discouraged when he does t follow through instead of doing it myself and being happy with and for myself. For the rut, I would suggest doing different things both together and separately. Just stop. Though we love each other deeply. Are you suggesting fun imaginative activities and he is turning you down or are you tired of the same boring dates and asking him to solve the issue? Thank you for this, you’ve really given me something to think about. Tell me about your rough patches. Plan something yourself. We have had a similar year. The wind has been knocked out of me and I didn’t think that was something that I would be thankful for. We got into a huge rut and I put the majority of the responsibility to "fix us" on him. It's important to remember: "this too shall pass; it's just a bad season in your relationship" (disclaimer: in many cases, it will pass provided you work to make it pass). My first marriage was destroyed by a rough patch after just two years. I wish I'd known about this book before my last relationship ended 2 yrs ago. He isn’t very communicative about what he wants and needs so I try to verbally affirm him, be physical with him (sexually and otherwise), bring him small gifts and do things to let him know that I’m thinking about him throughout the day. Replace with "this time/for just one minute". Even if you do nothing else, work on being honest with your speech and thoughts. My husband and I like to cuddle, share a laptop, and look at houses or laugh together while browsing memes. The little things add up. Although eight years is a drop in the bucket to the marriages of 20, 30, and 50+ years, we’ve experienced lots of highs and lows, including several rough patches. When you are thinking he doesn't, use critical thinking to question whether it's a fact or a thought that isn't true. Every relationship goes through rough patches, but these 9 signs tell couples therapists that you can get through them. EDIT: Thank you so very much for all of the perspective you guys provided. Instead of asking for more more more, take 10 literal seconds to sit down and hold his hands and look him in the eye and smile. Instead of "we have spent very little time focused on each other recently", I would think, "hey what's one thing I can do this instant, this hour, that shows him I am focused on him for even 10 seconds." I feel unloved and unromanced. We've had a rough patch a couple years ago. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X. In the case of marriage, one partner may take a more long-term, "til death do … In a relationship there are plenty of rough patches that you have to deal with. When I'm in a depressive episode, I sleep 16-20 hours a day. When a new relationship is struggling, it’s not always easy to figure out what to do. If you commit to following these five tips, you can move past a rough patch in your relationship… In simple language. That was fucking rough, and I am very thankful to my wife for being so patient and standing by me through all of that. This TedTalk was everything!! A relationship can either bring out the best or the worst in us. So, I choose not to have leaving be an option. When something I really don’t like happens, I know I want the opposite and vice versa. For his being anxious, stop criticizing him so much. Sounds like depression man. I’m telling him exactly what makes me feel loved (us spending time together away from responsibilities) and it’s like I’m talking to a brick wall. If you're not praying people, express gratitude for each other. It wasn't suppression. You guys resent each other? Do you do things for yourself, without him? She was also very good at communicating how she was feeling, so I was able to empathize with her. For your feeling unloved, focus on the positive. I get out with girlfriends about twice a month. Do you … Do whatever it takes. If not, why not? We struggled with matching our housekeeping, a lot. Thank you. Remove "every" "nothing". Thank you so much /u/chocobean. You keep mentioning things you want him to do. You're feeling unloved. Aim to synchronize your breathing, squeeze his hands gently and say thank you for these 10 seconds. 4. Stop complaining about what he’s providing and provide something yourself. Here's Advice for Powering Through - Happify Daily The relationship stayed healthy, but there were some brutal stretches where we really needed each other but couldn't be there. Same time same place is a blessing. They have great books too. Some are two prong. Run a bath, for him. You’re asking him to plan dates and he’s coming up with ice cream. It wasn't until I took the above steps to fix it that he told me he was suicidal. With the boring meals at home... any chance you can pick some slightly more indulgent recipes and make them together? As for your relationship, I'm a bit unclear about the situation. Looks like you're using new Reddit on an old browser. It runs in my family as two of my cousins, one in Canada and the other in US. Have you also listened and attended to his needs? We used to be so imaginative. How long do rebound relationships last? So I spent about a year trying everything I could and over time things improved. Either one or both of the partners are shutting down or purposely distancing themselves from one another. Your telling him exactly what you need is just filling a bucket with a giant hole on the bottom. Or, if you could give some advice/insight into mine, I’d be grateful. I’m trying extra hard to be communicative. She was good at making sure I understood what was happening. I do ask him about his needs and try to meet them. That’s a really heavy and unfair load for my SO to carry. It was facing reality with honesty instead. This gives me hope! Me being an alcoholic, emotionally unravelling, finally getting sober, going through therapy for childhood sexual abuse, and being diagnosed with bipolar 2...all while we have a toddler....and moved to a new city. One day I decided to stop complaining. The reason you are unhappy and need something big and grand and a total surprise is a deficiency in the human heart that another human being cannot fill. Too get through them we've both had to be open. My partner and I are having one. This quiz helps with methods of expressing love for each other. You may work through issues as they arise, but this can leave you frazzled and more likely to overreact to new problems. This happened off-and-on for a couple of years. Keep Tabs on Your Emotional Bank Account . We were constantly fighting. He is at his wits end. What you'd like, when, how, what makes you feel turned on, what he should wear on a date! Maybe try to find a list of questions/topic starters to help a bit. When you’re in a spot like this, you basically need to confront two main possibilities. Wow wow wow wow. If he doesn't follow it he's not as committed as you might hope. ... which means that it's important to keep a few things in mind: If you look back on all your relationships, you may realize that not all of them will have followed this timeline. Maybe they were initiated by that trauma, who knows. Truly. Though I know he loves me so deeply. I’m so sorry. It actually in a way solidified and matured our relationship very quickly. That's rough. Some of it was challenging to read/hear. Flannery Dean Updated November 14, 2012 Growing alone and together. I had to decide pretty early on if I was interested in sticking it out through thick or thin in a very young relationship. Early on into our relationship, I was full of anxiety, negative thoughts, overthinking (created this username as a result of it), low self esteem, all that. But now we are stuck in a rut of eating boring meals at home every night. Sit down with your partner and have a serious discussion on what both of you want. This means you have been actively nurturing your marriage throughout your lives together. If you and your partner are willing to work together, not all hope is lost. I’m sure it was harder for her than me. All I can think about is him. Not everything needs to be said. How can I ask for more/different without being needy? Share in each other’s worlds. So many different people were contributing to your life. But those in a healthy partnership will take a blow to their pride if it means ending an argument or letting their partner know that they are sorry, Hershenson said. This is tremendous. Instead, a loyal partner will keep the "long … I made a suggestion for the date and that was to go to a store we both love and pick out some things for our bedroom. Before getting pregnant when rough patches happened I had the option to leave. A huge help to a lot of relationships is taking the Love Language quiz. My life is really full with work and passion projects but maybe he does feel the pressure of me relying on him for my ultimate happiness. He does everything you ask but the next day your bucket will be empty again. It was exhausting. He hid it a lot but once he was vulnerable and told me how he felt I had to take it seriously and work on any possible solution. Sometimes, you are up and sometimes there is a rough patch in a relationship. I am depending on him too much to fulfill my needs and I’m also not setting some boundaries with other situations that are taking up too much of my time and energy. You say you want to spend time together away from responsibilities, have you communicated that to him specifically, in the moment? Replace with "one/two/three". We are just missing each other. I do things without him. Think about it this way. I suggested wrapping a project he had been working on in the house together, studying for GMAT, a fun date or special time for the two of us and some other responsibilities around the house. I thought that we could work together to create a warm and intimate environment in our bedroom. A friend told me she and her partner read this book and it helped them out a lot...."The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts". So surviving several rough patches in my second marriage has felt very empowering. I would imagine you need to install these measures immediately. If the first, why does he refuse? Learning how to deal with those rough patches is what will make your relationship stronger and will make the two of you closer. Give him the last two cookies. We've had a rough patch a couple years ago. Spell it out. But I keep asking for more/different and it’s frustrating him. We struggled with casual drug use. I just want to make him happy. It took her about a year for everything to sort itself out and for life to get back to normal. He says that he’s trying so hard to love me but that nothing is ever good enough for me and that I’m never satisfied. One of the few regrets I have as an adult. This breakdown is tremendous. It wasn't a relationship rough patch per se, but my wife had some serious health problems right around the time we started dating. It lasted a long while; I want to say about a year. Go look at the lives that are ruined. And do it. A major factor for a lot of rough patches is that couples don’t know how to show their love for one another. Currently doing long distance. But right now we're going through a serious rough patch. 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